My Great Depression and Hitting Rock Bottom

It's been years since I've given this blog any thought.  What exactly have I been up to
for the past 8 years?  I've been surviving all kinds of madness.

In 2014 I had successfully lost half my body weight.  When I started, I was 276 pounds and I got down to 136 pounds.  I was an entirely new person after having lost my excess weight.  I kept it off for 2.5 years, yo-yoing 15-20 pounds from time to time.  

Then, in early 2017 was my Great Depression.  I nearly got divorced because my husband found out some secrets I had been keeping from him (debt and me teaching Zumba/fitness classes).  Thankfully, by Allah's mercy, we stayed together and got through the rough patch.

However, it was not without consequences.  I went into a terrible depression because I was no longer teaching Zumba/fitness classes.  It was the one thing I absolutely loved to do and it brought me so much joy and connection with people from all walks of life.  The hubster was not on board with me continuing for his own personal religious convictions; convictions I didn't share but probably should have.

I started a new job in late 2016 and by early 2017 things were taking off.  I was promoted a couple of times and found myself burying my grief and dissatisfaction  in my new roles.  I oftentimes worked round the clock, 80+ hours a week.  I also buried my grief in food. I did that for 5 years.

My weight crept back up in what seemed like increments, I went from 150 to 175, 200, 225, 250, 275, 285...

Today I find myself at a whopping 294.6 pounds.  I don't recognize myself.  I don't even feel like myself anymore.  

How in the world did I let myself go this far.  I am mentally berating myself over and over for not stopping the destructive behavior and habits sooner. The many times I started to get back on track only to give up after a few weeks or months. 

If only I had kept going, I wouldn't be where I find myself now. Rock bottom is painful and raw.  But I have to start somewhere...